Beckham Comes to US!! And Kobe goes to play hoops for Switzerland!!

David Beckham….awww yes….one of my personal favorite athletes who is by far one of the most productive and lucrative to ever bless this great nation. He has brought world wide obsession to the land where Soccer needed a boost. He singled handedly put it on the rise and forced it to nip the heals of Professional Horse Shoes and the UNO Championships in ratings in only a single season!!! All I know is that the investment of paying him $250 million dollars was a drop in the bucket compared to what everyone received in return….a cool new European Hair cut idea and a return of one of thee biggest pop stars to ever sing in a non-mens group with over 4 members!! I understand you’re a pop icon and your wife can’t smile, I just don’t understand who loaned the Los Angeles Galaxy enough money to pay you roughly $98.00 a minute. So basically you can take a 5 minute shit, a 2 hour nap and watch YouTube for 30 minutes before practice and you just made $15,190!! And you earn all of this by only having to run up and down a field and kick a ball into a large net 3 times in a season!! Too bad Kobe Bryant can’t go play basketball in Switzerland, where I hear it’s real big, make $25 million dollars a year there and only have to score 8 points a game! That would be just as good of a deal!! He could even take Vanessa with him, shoot Mr Clean into her face so she can’t smile and give her tinted welding goggles to wear!! Governor Schwarzennnneggar has been looking to raise funds in the state of California due to it’s debt issues…well…If you would have kept the receipt for Beckham, you could have returned him to the Euros with a proper cause that he was defective. Yes there would be some tears by loyal Galaxy fans, but don’t worry, those ten people will be over it before you know it!! So bottom Line, props to Beck’s and Posh for bleeding the high power idiots of the United States for enough money to buy a thousand Mac laptops while not having to do much of anything besides put gel in your hair and frown when in public! Maybe I should start practicing to run and up and down a field with 30 of my friends while wearing argyle socks and looking confused. It’s worth looking into. Wake up people.

Transformers, Turtles, Sluts and Whorrors..Oh my!!

Ahhh…yes….It’s October..the month of blood and guts, horror and ghosts, beasts and porn stars!! Following a trip to my local costume shop to pick out this years gear…I couldn’t help but wonder….when did Hustler and Vivid Video become the official sponsors of the “scary” holiday? I guess I didn’t realize that a girl dressed like a firefighter with only over alls and red boots on was frightening? Not that this is a bad thing...but I guess it is just a thought provoker when you walk into a costume shop and next to the kid’s Ninja Turtles and Transformers costumes are a Dirty Cop outfit that comes with Nipple stickers, sunglasses and a hat…all for 39.99. At first I thought I blacked out and was in the adult Emporium that had a section for pedophiles…but the Alf and Barrack Obama masks reassured me I was not. So let me just get this strait Raphael is at the front door getting a snickers…while mom slips into the back and gives a sucker?? Will it be typical to over hear a kid dressed like Spiderman “Screaming for help because he just saw his mom, who is dressed like a school teacher, get “robbed from behind” in the bushes for her “candy by a large Buzz Light year screaming to infinity and beyond?”…Hmmm…interesting. I guess someone could do a study and determine that the likely hood of a man answering the door for trick-or-treaters is up 250% over the past 3 years. And it’s not just the women having all the fun, the men have their own costumes that include plastic “buddies” for the Department of Erection facility, a man with long hair humping a sheep..which makes me think…apparently only sheep go for guys with mullets? The more I think about this..the more interesting Halloween has become!! Again, no issue here…Halloween is all in good fun…but I think we should just accept the movement and go forward with it. I am waiting for the giant plastic boob candy bucket that will replace the pumpkin and glow sticks that are in the shape of a…..second thought…never mind. I guess someday when I become a parent, I wont have to check for unwrapped candy, just whether or not what flavor of KY they got and whether most people hand out Trojans or Durex. So to the people who thought they were cool being Freddy, Jason or Michael Jackson….sorry…but unless your costume comes with a plastic rod or push up bra…you won’t be receiving an invite to the party and you will actually get candy on Halloween. And if your single and on the prowl, Halloween is your time to shine! If you’re a girl, make sure your costume comes with the day after pill and alcohol wipes and if your man, make the register clerk check your costume for your free date rape pill, brown paper bag (in cause the girl takes her mask off, you have a backup) and Tylenol PM (to give your date in the morning so you can sneak off). Wake up people.

A true event mixed with a made up movie

In anticipation of the newest Halloween Thriller Movies…I have come to the conclusion that the phrase “Based on True Events”…can and often does include absolutely anything that took place regarding any particular topic. Case 1, the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre had a marketing campaign that made it seem as though it was based on true events, was it…maybe about 5%..Which was basically a guy did indeed wear people’s skin after killing them, but the rest of the movie was made up, including Jessica Biel’s singing, it was actually Milli Vanilli who sang the portion of “Sweet Home Alabama” in the driving scene. Case 2, the Mothman prophecies….the event of the bridge collapse real, the sightings of the mothmen and physical evidence they exist…about as true as Anthony Hopkins actually eating brains at Denny’s with Jodie foster….wrong. So for the New Movies Paranormal Activity and Ecounters of the 4th kind or whatever it’s called, can you please put a disclaimer…it can be very small font…below the “The following is based on true events” …that says “The Total content of true events has not truly been determined by the motion picture association of America and the producer, director and all those who worked on the film take no responsibility for the amount of information that is either thought to be true or completely bullshit..thank you for $14.50.” At least if they did that, then I would not have to leave the movie army crawling to my car and end up driving to my parents house to sleep in the bed with them. The Blair Witch did it to us, so did Texas Chainsaw, So did Amityville Horror, and so did White Chicks. They are all “Based on True Events”…but when it comes down to it..the true event could be that a car did break down and the kids who were in the car did indeed hitch a ride. Quit playing games with my heart Michael Bay and keep the facts straight. As for the millions who believe the hype that the “home video” thats in the movie are true tapes that were found…I got one question for you…why does the date in the bottom of the “home video” always seem to be within the past year? Probably because that’s when they were filming the entire movie numb nuts. Wake up people.

Drugs and Bombs...Go Team!!

Let’s start this out with a simple scenario. Say you are a Dr and a representative recruited you to a hospital and you are considered to be an above average Surgeon. Upon arriving, one of the recruiters offers you to take a drug that makes your reaction time better, your hands more steady, increases your focus and makes you an overall superb Dr. It is not illegal to take it and due to your improvement in skills…the hospital raises your salary roughly 4 to 5 times what it currently is over the next 5 years…would you take it? If you said no, you’re lying and can stop reading now. Every single person in the work force across America would take a performance enhancing drug if they made more money while on it…period. So everyone who thinks A-rod, Bonds, Clemens, McGuire, Sosa and all the other players that admitted to taking something cheated…how did they cheat? Did they take something illegal? No…end of discussion. Do steroids and PED’s give you an advantage? Absolutely they do, do they improve hand eye coordination and give you the reaction time of a bear trap? No, if they did then Carl working the register at Kmart would have gotten on them long ago and signed with the Cubs. Get real people, it still takes enormous skill to hit a round ball moving 90+ mph with a round bat and if you don’t think so, go down to your local batting cage, put a quarter in and just try not to take one in the nuts when the machine is set to novice. Personally, I would love to see the league go the other direction…encourage everyone to use steroids if they want to. Oh no, what would happen to the game? Well, hitters would have more power and pitchers would throw harder with more stamina. I don’t know about you, but when I go to a pro game, I like to watch a single to left, a stolen base, a sac bunt and slap hit to right for every run the team scores. I love watching a great game when the score is 2 to 1 and the ball hit the outfield grass twice. I have actually been to that game, it was the Giants Vs. Padres last year in San Francisco. Know how many kayaks were in the cove waiting for a home run ball to splash? 0. That’s because that team’s number one attraction is gone and so went a lot of the fans with him. The best years in recent baseball history have been the home run races....check the ratings if you think I am full of manure. Bottom line…if the players have to walk around with runts in their pants and have a pumpkin head..that’s their business, but they come out and hit a 500 foot home run over waveland ave then I say give them all PED’s and bring on the fun. Otherwise, shut up and let the players play according to the established rules. If Babe Ruth played today, he would bench 300 Lbs and have quads like a Clydesdale. Wake up people.

Become a bee keeper and earn your PH.D in Fashion!!

I do believe that Zoolander did a great job at summing up the fashion industry in a swift hour and a half. From the new 13 year old “genius” code named the style rookie to lady gaga, just what is considered to be fashionable or how do you know you have good fashion? What I have learned from researching is that if you dress like the kid who drinks glue and eats the macaroni counters in grade school, then apparently you are destined to become a pioneer in the fashion business. To begin with, disregard everything anybody you see in public wears as fashion. The best bet is to sort through old Halloween costumes, the box of clothes from the 70’s your mom has in the basement, the burn bin at good will and to top it off use some sort of inanimate object. Now put all the crap on at one time and strut your stuff..if you do venture out in public..I suggest wearing a anti shark suit and lead vest..you will have a better chance at surviving the drive by….if you want to go big…start up your own website or blog and put pictures of other kids who got beat up in elementary school on it. Use the word “Like” 3 times per sentence and post pictures of your favorite designers latest runway show…the one where most outfits were based off bee keepers and slutty pilgrims. While we are on the topic, why do all runway shows look as though they took malnourished woman who only frown and made them wear the clothes George Lucas turned down for wardrobes in star wars? I am pretty sure the models don’t smile because the designers don’t feed them and only pay them 7 bucks an hour to wear that crap, all while forcing them to put their makeup on using an air compressor. They are, however, given a steady diet of LSD, Water and Xanax. So when it comes time to release the new line of clothing, why is it a $200 washed t shirt and $300 jeans with holes??? I will tell you why, because even though the designers make “models” wear that crap, they sure as hell won’t be caught dead in it. Let me know the next time you see Ralph Lauren dressed like two-face from the batman movies and I will be your personal assistant for life. Where do all the fun “prototype” pieces go? Do they donate them to the Halloween boutique to make costumes for next year? I think since Halloween is coming up, I am going to check the label on my new Pee Wee Herman costume and see if it says “Material and Idea Donated by Versace:”. So the next time your tempted to go to that fancy fashion show and pay hundreds of dollars for a ticket, remember, wait until mid to end October and go sit outside your local Halloween costume shop and you can watch the same crap….wake it up people.

Big Lips + Big Breasts + Lipo = Half your estate

As Kanye West told me “We Want Prenup…We Want Prenup.” It seems to go…guy makes lots of money, girl finds out how much money he makes, girl seduces guy…guy marries girl…couple has kids…girl tells guy to stick it…girl takes half the total worth…girl gets reality TV show and daily setbacks include used hair extensions and a pool boy who gained 10 lbs and no longer has 6 pack abs. It’s the Hogans…It’s Khloe Kardashian…it’s the “real” house wives of Atlanta/OC. I am curious; at the wedding ceremonies do the two person’s attorneys represent their best man and maid of honor? Does the happy new couple sign the prenup agreement while standing next to unity candle? Does the priest work in the question “Do you “name” take “name” to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and with a thriving bank account and without?” It saddens me to think that a person whom you “love” would only want to marry you because you have more than 5 bedrooms and the speedometer in your car goes over 200 MPH, but it seems that if you make more than 6 figures…you are simply a prize to be won and in the end, will only get half of your life gross because your new “spouse” feels they are getting screwed over or simply files for divorce because they need more money then their allotted weekly allowance. And how does the prenup question go? Does Lamar Odom approach Khloe Kardashian and say “You know I love you boo and you are my one and only, but you need to sign this because you aren’t about to take my paper and I ain’t no fool.” As for my personal favorites, The Real House Wives of “A gated community where the divorce rate is 95%”…? Does the term house wife depict a person who writes a check for an Escalade, has 4 people clean the house, cook the meals and sees her kids once a day while a staff worker reads them a bed time story?? I guess I envision a real house wife, in today’s era, working 9 to 5, making 3 screaming kids dinner of kraft mac and cheese, throwing in a load of laundry and crying herself to sleep. Apparently I am way off, they now have DD breasts, injected lips and fake hair that costs more than most people make on a pay check. So I guess a guy can take proper precaution by doing a simple experiment…If you make good money and a beautiful woman comes onto you…try this…take her to a pool or body of water and toss her in…if her face melts away…her hair comes off and she floats chest up…go find a new girl. Wake up guys.

What I Learned from the Learning Channel

It all began as a happy journey down life’s path…but when you end up with a litter of kids….yes 7 or more kids constitutes a litter…then things are bound to not go well for mom and dad. Oh Jon, we all know that you just wanted to love and blissfully take care of Kate until death do you part, but when the day came that she fired out 6 kids at once…you thought it would be a better idea to play doctor with the nanny and go design T shirts with Christian Audgier. So what else do you expect Kate to do besides get a spikey hair cut and go visit McNamara/Troy for some plastic surgery? Once again, we do realize that these two bozo’s are making 6 figures in the US and not because they are talented, or highly educated or great at their jobs, they just popped out 8 kids and a brilliant network…funny enough named the “The Learning Channel”…gave them their own show. Well I have watched and you know what I learned? Don’t give a show to idiots just because they had enough kids to field a Canadian Football team. I really expected more from a network that would call itself the The Learning Channel. I can probably say that Kate has learned a male nanny would have been a better choice. And for Jon, he learned that if he is going to take more than 20 bucks out of the joint account he might as well clean it out completely and head for the Baja. It’s a another prime case of …”Well hun, we can either get jobs and do the corporate ladder thing or you can squeeze out 8 kids and we will give Opera and Ty Pennington a call, get all expenses paid for a year and have a new house built for us.” It doesn’t take Ben Stein to figure that one out. It saddens me to say that Jon and Kate are actually the smart one’s here…the idiots are the millions who tune in to pay their bills. And may I ask, is anyone tired of seeing these two spread over every magazine and talk show…I have gotten the dry heaves and a sinus infection simply from being over whelmed by Gosselin onslaught. Just like voting in US…we can all do our part here and everyone counts…it’s called DON’T WATCH THE SHOW….if they don’t get an audience and no one cares..then TLC can go back to whatever they had before team Gosselin was signed. So to everyone who watches the Jon and Kate show…turn off the TV…get in the car..drive to rural Iowa…put a lawn chair by the side of the road and watch the Amish…Same scenario as the Gosselins except they dress like Pilgrims and are great at woodworking. Either do that or get a hobby and wake up.

News Flash: Fat Kid Dyes Hair Blue, Gets Rich

It’s a typical tragedy…kid grows up as the fat kid in class….gets picked on by classmates….isn’t the popular kid…envies the schools star athletes and their “hottest in class girlfriends” and envies the hair doo made popular by the orange Midgets in Willy Wonka. He grows up with some bitterness, continues to maintain his plumpness, dyes his hair blue, pink and other various crayon colors..comes out of the closet..makes fun of celebs for being everything he wants…and ends up making 6 figures a year and gets a an opportunity to record an album because the average person in society isn’t smart enough to figure out they are paying his bills by following this waste of space…it’s just sad. It has to be hard when you graduate with a degree in theater, try to get acting jobs but can’t get one because your over weight and have blue hair…although he was rumored to be the leading roll for the movie “Trolls” (based off the popular plastic figurines with afros). When acting is what you want and unemployed is what you get, I am sure it has to be frustrating. So what better way to get your name out there then by attacking the very people you want to be your friends. So I am going to issue an apology on his behalf to all celebrities that were hurt or angered by Perez Hiltons comments, he really only wants to be your friend. It just saddens me that our chubby, blue haired icon has come to such a low as to bash those he desires to be. I think this is an important lesson to the young people of America…eat McDonalds…use Halloween Hair Coloring Year Round…hate the people who are successful and you too will get an opportunity to make money. Forget education, pursue a career in making fun of those who are wealthy and you too can have it all!! So the next time your Chemistry teacher tells you to turn in your homework, tell them to stick it…go dye your hair purple and make fun of people with money!! Our husky rainbow head is only part of the problem, the other part is the person out there who follows this genius and actually is interested in what he is doing or has to say. Wake up dipshit.

Tall, Sexy and Yellow All Great Stats of A Playboy Model

Since when did Al Davis (The Owner of the Oakland Raiders who hasn't had a winning team since Alf was big and who looks like Skeletor and Hugh Hefner Combined) take over Playboy? That to me could be the only reason they would put Marge Simpson on the front cover. Apparently when working around beautiful gorgeous women, one tends to lose their mind after seeing so many. I would have liked to be in the boardroom for that meeting, "Ok Folks, we have a way to save the magazine...(Other Board Members)Oh oh...who did we get...Angelina Jolie? Salma Hayek? Barbra Streisand? Hilary Clinton?...Nope! All good thoughts though, we actually got Marge Simpson!! As they all in reply in unison "The yellow chick with a blue bee hive?" Best part is we don't have to pay to have her do any public appearances, listen to her try to give an interview and pay her royalties!! We have really taken a great approach to cutting costs! I am sure it was a success and the answer to about 30,000 perverts around the world who enjoy fantasizing about cartoons. Apparently Garth from Wayne's World isn't the only one who had thoughts about Bugs bunny when he dressed up like a girl bunny. Who knows, maybe a trend will start and before we know it a risque dressed Ned Flanders will be on the cover of GQ or even better a picture of Maggie on the cover of US Weekly with a Headline "Caught, Maggie Simpson seen Partying and Smoking weed on her 15th Birthday" Seriously. Wake up people.

Warning: Don’t Give Animals Xanex and Wine

As everyone had heard and or saw, some months back a pet Chimp named Travis, who was the star of Gap and other TV commercials attacked a woman and basically proceeded to rip her face off, bite off her hands and basically demolish all chances of a normal life. What can we learn from another situation of having wild animals as pets? First of all, do not pick one that has the strength of ten grown men and weighs upwards of 200 lbs, this is not a positive statistic for your new friend to have. Secondly, do not feed an animal that has such strength a high protein diet of red meat while also giving it wine and anti anxiety medicine. The results have proven to be an extremely bad day for the un-fortunate friend that tries to help restrain the animal. Chimps are aggressive and extremely strong animals, they are obviously intelligent and funny enough, are much smarter then those individuals who own them….history has shown. Funny how it seems in order to own such an animal, you must have below normal intelligence. Another personal favorite of mine are the people who own the 14 foot python that ends up suffocating their young child or infant. Again, a sad situation for the child…as for the parents….nice choice on a pet. An animal that kills by suffocation and has the brain the size of a skittle is not something I would want 14 feet away from my kid with nothing but chicken wire and Velcro holding it back. Wake up people

iPhone App Sells to Idiots

Our great friends at Pepsico have designed an iPhone app geared towards marketing their amp energy drink by offering pickup lines to use on general stereotyped women, such as nerd, cougar, foreign exchange student, ect. The main idea being it is a virtual scoreboard for guys to pick up women. First off, if you are using an ipod app as a major source for pick up lines then it is time to move out of your parents house, discontinue your PC world subscription and sell your action figures. Secondly, using the pick up lines that are provided by pepsico would likely not score you a date with Helen Keller, so I suggest some further reasearch into the availability of pick up lines, maybe try the book "Never Been Laid and How to land Anything". I dont know about you, but the first place I am going to get advice on how to pick up women is my favorite soda bottler. I guess I did not realize that Ali G, Hugh Hefner and Leo DiCaprio all had marketing input at Pepsi. And the bad publicity is from the fact that Pepsico is stereotyping...ha...wow...how bout the fact that men who download this honestly think they will score from sayings created and collaborated by a company that mixes syrup and water. Thanks pepsi!!

Leroy Jenkins is My Hero

In a world where war runs rampant and millions of 20 somethings sit around in the basements of their parents house playing, scheming, and planning out the careful art of war craft domination...one man chooses to take matters into his own hands. Leroy Jenkins is a man among men, a rogue, an untamed heart that will not follow rules, but simply take matters into his own hands when opportunity strikes. While others like to talk, plan and devise...Leroy takes on life full force, spur of the moment...no holds barred and with a "Don't sing it, just bring it attitude." I do believe that if more people in the world were like Leroy Jenkins, then the world would be a better place. Things would get done, period. We may not all live to fight another day, but by god, we would live in the moment and worry about consequence after the fact. So here is to the Leroy Jenkins of the world....run in balls out and don't forget to let them know who they are dealing with...LLLLLEEERRROYYYYYY JJJJJJJJJENNNKINS!!!