Obese Pets and Jailed Red Heads and Supreme Beings

"Study finds half of the US' Pets are overweight"....siiiighhhhhhh..... which means not only our kids are inheriting our fat genetics...now are pets are!Well, it's that or now obesity has gone airborn! Soon we will have NBA Legends giving press conferences announcing their retirement because they slept with a contestant on the biggest loser, contracted the F.A.T virus and will have to quit playing basketball due to the recent gain of 85 lbs and lack of enough muscle to properly dribble the ball. Isn't this like smoking in the car with a kid who cannot defend themselves? Well, if your maltese could borrow the car and go shopping at Petco for a 40 lb bag of dry "Lean and Fit: Lamb and Rice" then I wouldn't say we should be held accountable....the way I see it we got 2 choices: 1. They eat what we give them like the meaty shit in cans and one scoop of kraft mac and cheese from dinner...or 2. They fend for themselves by digging up the dead hamsters in the back yard and eat what you left in the toilette following lunch. This is unfair to them, Do you know how hard it is for an obese Dalmatian to get a good gig at the local firehouse? If his fat ass can't get on the truck, how can he get his picture taken for all those cute calendars?? Or how about trying to put an overweight chiuaua in a new coach hand bag!?! Sorry, but having a fat hamster size dog sticking out of your 1000 dollar purse is not seen as classy down on rodeo drive...but I guess who cares what Cowboys think anyway? All I have to say is 2 words.. Bullshit...

Lindsey lohan is back working the court system again and I do not know why, why don't they just leave her alone...she wasn't drunk...she just had too much Listerine and those are not track marks..she's just a "cutter" and likes to feel pain....yea...lindsey and your hair isn't red and your freckles aren't real...it's an amber-peach shade and you have year round chicken-pocks. I don't know who is more to blame for this..her or the judge...the judge keeps letting her go on a notice...well...for being a "supreme being" and knowing the law of the land...you couldn't manage the well fare of a rock garden...there are 3 things he needs to see here 1. Red head 2. Child Actor 3. Bony Arms....that tells you 3 things....she has a temper, she made more money at the age of 9 then you will make your whole life and she doesn't eat but digests house hold chemicals and brushes her teeth with coacaine....so what the hell? Give her the orange PJ's...send her to a cell and let a 300 pound lady "clean her carpet" for the next 10 years...that will straighten her out :)

"Supreme Beings" = Def. Individuals who wear capes like batman, use a hammer like thor, make 6 figures to sit in a wooden life guard chair and decide the fate of the human race simply by memorizing large words out of a book written by old people who wore white wigs and had wooden teeth....hmmmmmmm
Personally, i would think to be called a Supreme being one would have to be able to run the 40 in a 3.3, win the Triple Crown without a horse, have a birth certificate but you weren't born from a woman, and eat your cereal using natural ice beer instead of milk...by god...that deserves a label of "supreme being"...so they memorize the laws of the land...know large legal terms and words...get to dress like they graduated everyday...and hold the fate of all humans in the palm of their hands? That and if your really good, like Clarence Thomas on the supreme court...you don't have to say 1 word in 5 years of court...wow....could you imagine if doctors could do that?? "Doc how'd my test go...__________________________....." ok.....did you find anything? ______________________________ "hmmmmmm.....ok....awkward much? This guy got paid 6 figures to be a supreme court justice and hasn't said one damn word in 5 years? Does lady Gaga get signed to a record deal at Sony arts and sit in a booth wearing a freddy krueger mask and a kermit the frog sweat suit, not sing and still get paid? NOOOO....Sony sends her ass to the mime school and tells her to learn the box act....wow...this is america at it's finest!

Im back...so wake up...

Weekly Wrap Up....My Favorite Topics

Woooo hooooo….Oprah is sending her audience to Australia, all expense paid trip!! Isnt that awesome, and Australia is paying a 3 million dollar portion of the bill…they feel it is going to boost tourism…well we do know bringing Oprah (who counts as 3 people on a meal plan, and 2 on a plane seats) and her audience of over -weight, crying house wives (who also each count as 2 on a plane) will definitely help the restaurant business over there…but for 3 million dollars….lets say each trip cost the country $6,000 total for 10 day stay…by my math they could have offered it to 500 total people who would eat less and not require dual seats on a plane that or bring the cast of biggest loser ….Let’s give Oprah a high five for having her make-up put on with a torch and reading a power point off a screen each day to millions of Women…wake up dipshits…she makes more than the entire nation by dressing up like shes going to prom, wearing spanks and sits on a couch reading a prompter…come on…at least make her stand up at a podium and wearing ankle waits to help get a good calorie burn in …..her generosity is the equivalent Steve Jobs giving the apple cult a free “bumper” for their jacked up iphone…thanks for the 30 cent apology for having a shitty antenna

Britney Spears has a sexual harassment suit filed against her from a former body guard who says that she sexually harassed him, had sex in front of him and was inappropriate…yea…ok….I will believe this only if her body guard was on Queer eye for the Straight guy, has his right ear pierced and has applied to be on the bachelorette as the bachelorette…its hard to believe that Britney would have a 6’1 body guard who weights 140 lbs and buys skinny jeans from Macys and who’s favorite brand of shoes is Jessica simpson….wake up Britney…if your going to hire a guy who complains about you doing the horizontal shimmy with another guy in front of them because they are jealous of you getting the guy…you might as well hire Rupaul…at least he (**She**) has big arms, is athletic and is 6’6

Lindsey Lohan finally got out of prison...…I am quite surprised that she did not claim red-headed rascism and hired the attorney from N.A.O.R.H.P (National Association of Red Headed People) to represent her and counter sue the justice system. We all know the only reason she went in there because she was a red head, has freckles and gets a sunburn when you turn on the kitchen light…if she looked like Angelina Jolie and had 15 kids from the sticks in Nigeria..you think she would go to prison? Come on, what did she really do? She drank cocktails, left her undies at home and got out of a car half popped with her dirty clam on display, if that is a crime..... then every girl between the ages of 18 and 41 who regularly attends a club playing music by Lady gaga and Frankie Goes to Hollywood should have a date with a Judge….Personally I feel bad for her….cant an bulimic, alcoholic with no underwear and an ankle bracelet just get dropped off after getting sloshed??

I watched Justin Bieber perform at the MTV movie awards and had two thoughts, if we shaved his head…would everyone stop and go…wait a second…what happened to his backwards hair cut…awe shit…this kid is like the other thousand who perform everyday at Valley fair…at least there I can ride a roller coaster and have a beer while I watch kids sing and dance for 7 bucks an hour…secondly…has he seen how New Kids on the Block, Vanilla Ice and Milli Vanilli all turned out? The average white person who thinks they can sing, dance and sport a shitty hair cut does not turn out too well…..I got a suggestion for him…when he hits 35, still tries to sing and is still trying to dance and sing to 16 year olds…he better be careful when winking at cute girl in the front row, he will end up wearing orange pajamas and spending the holidays with Grandpa Manson and the gift that keeps on giving in there is not one what you want….word to the wise

Another personal favorite, Scottie Pippen managed to piss 120 million down the drain as he is considered dead broke. My question is what the hell happens to the golf course he owns, all 10 cars, his jet, his yatchs…don’t they have a garage sale or auction for these things? You would think he could liquidate his assets and still have enough to get a nice double-wide and a mini van. Maybe Jordan will hire him to mow his lawn and drop off his dry cleaning. I think all of these dead beats who go through millions of dollars and end up with nothing should form a Business where parents can rent a former pro athlete for 7 bucks an hour to entertain at kid's birthday parties…I would pay a good 100 bucks just to see Pippen roll up in a 97 buick regal playing the bulls theme on his stereo and a license plate that says ‘6XCHAMP’….that or all of them could start cutting hair and make the company “Sports Clips” not just a clever name….

Tiger woods finalized his marriage…had to take out a 54 million dollar mortgage to help pay his court fees and apology money to his wife… …maybe if it would have been just 1 girl and not a bakers dozen…Elin might have cut your bill in half….its really a win win for her…she basically hit the lottery and is set for life and Tiger ends up with HPV and gets all his Buick’s taken away…54 million though…that’s not much money to him…but since he couldn’t win a tournament against kids from the school for the blind on a par 3 course, it could be a problem down the road. If I were him, I would do what the rest of the country did, take out the mortgage, then pack up my shit and hit the bricks…the bank can eat the 54 million and I am pretty sure Tiger doesn’t worry about his credit score. Im sure Wells Fargo wont mind picking up the tab, then again if he got his Mortgage from a “Family Owned” investment firm and the family name ends in a Vowel and their first names are Pauli, Tony and Salvatore..you may want make sure your payment is in the dumpster on the 1st of the month.

Kate Goslin...there are a couple un=answered questions about my favorite pissed off house wife with 8 kids and a kick ass hair cut ….1. Did she have a boob job or did she not? Well, if they were past her belly button before and now her chin is bruised and she cant see to tie her shoes, you tell me Stephen Hawking!?! 2. Did she look like drunk cow on skates when dancing with other stars or did she not? Well her frown did make her meaner than a dog shitting tacks and the only person with worse moves on the dance floor is Jared from Subway trying to River dance…..3. Does she frown because she has a cactus in her crotch? Well, technically….Jon Goslin…Asian…likes 200 dollar t shirts…doesn’t pay child support…I would say he is prickly bastard. I am confident there is not a man on the planet that you could pay to date her…….. Except one…Richard Simmons…he is tired of dancing to the oldies.

I cant leave out my favorite person in the world…Snookie from Jersey Shore…ever since landing the starring role in Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory as an orange, oompa-loompa…Snookie has enjoyed over whelming success as a 4’5, 205 lbs heartbreaker who enjoys looking for melanoma and genital warts. She likes going out for a night on the town wearing her favorite spanks and duct taping her belly button so that tasty part of her muffin top stays nicely tucked into her amazing outfit. Keep doing your thing girl….:)

Using lava from a Volcano to heat homes in Hawaii... is like drilling for oil in the ocean...may not work out to well

The latest breaking news….BP hopes a gigantic tube will help siphon the oil off of Gulf waters ….funny… Barry bonds told his girlfriend to siphon the HGH out of his blood stream via his “tube”...didn’t work for him either….both are about as realistic. Why are all of these people supposed to be so damn smart…yet when it comes to disaster recovery time they couldn’t save Shaquille O’neal drowning in 3 feet of water? I am sure there are pods of dolphins following the BP crews laughing and saying “Can you believe these dips shits??” Why do smart people get dumb when they are under pressure? I would love to be in the board meetings when these companies first come up with Ideas…..
”Ok…we are going to build and construct a giant rig that will pump oil from thousands of feet below the ocean…. …brilliant idea..…think of all the money we will make! But wait, what happens if the pipe breaks? What if all of our Oil started going into the Ocean…no biggie..oil floats..we can use dip nets to get it and if that doesn’t work.....Remember that giant bobber we called the top hat? We will float that around on the service of the water to appease the public and show them we are doing something, giving us enough time to clean out our bank accounts, form new identities and book first class tickets to Delaware…Wait a minute …Delaware??? Why not Mexico? Or another country….Because dipshit…they patrol the boarders going to Mexico and the international airports…you ever hear someone patrolling or looking for a person of interest in Delaware?.....Didn’t think so”
I believe if we continue at this pace, American’s (Not Humans in General, Just Americans) will fall below Dolphins and Chimps on the hierarchy of intelligent species. You have to admit we do pay nurses, cops and fire fighters about 40 to 50K a year, whom are here to save, care for and protect us…yet we pay Justin Bieber 40K an hour to sport a shitty hair cut and sing songs about going on a walk with your daughter. Anything wrong with this picture? I don’t know about you but I would rather put my money towards A-Rods car payment by buying his jersey and season tickets then pay a fire fighter to put out my flaming house, rescue my kids and save my dog….pretty much a no brainer to me. Has anyone ever calculated out what some of these people get paid? Take Lady Gaga, is she a good performer…yes…a good artist…yes….does she dress like boy George auditioning for a part as an Elf in Lord of the Rings…yes….does she deserve to make $416,666.00 a week? What does she do…she rents costumes from a Halloween boutique on a daily basis, sings songs that use the terms, “Telephone, Ga-Ga, Ooohh LaLa and Roma Roma” Maybe if teachers dressed up in Sequin Jumpsuits…entered the class room with fireworks, low lighting and fog machines and then sang the daily lesson to you using Auto Tune and T pain on the chorus…they may make more per hour??
Did you know Barack Obama took a paycut to become president? He made more selling books about political bullshit and personal opinion selling at Barnes and Noble than he does running the country. How about a news caster…let’s take Matt Lauer…he sits in front of a camera on a chair or couch…reads words off a screen while wearing a suit and tie and enough make up and hair plugs to be in Cirque du Soleil… he drinks coffee and makes millions? Does he really do something that is difficult??? Come on, he reads words off a screen…he is paid for having a decent “listening voice” and can ask “Hard Questions”…even though most dipshits he is questioning are in some kind of trouble or conflict in the public’s eye..so it’s not like he’s trying to solve a 32 color rubix cube here..and as for Al Roker…he gets paid millions of dollars to laugh and tell the umemployed and elderly (They are the only ones home at 9:00 AM) how warm it will be today. Yes, I know the media drives the world… I get it..I do not write these comments out of jealousy, I have no desire to live in New York or a in a city where it takes me 2 hours to go get Gas and you need to pay 1600 a month to rent a studio apartment that’s the size of my closet with a shitter, sink and place to hang your keys.
It’s just funny where the priorities in our Society have gone. We would rather pay Kevin Garnett enough money to buy Montana then give a teacher…who teaches your kid to read, do math and properly use the bathroom…enough money to barely buy a used Chevy Impala and a house with more than 3 bedrooms. I know when I have kids I’m going to buy a nice video camera, sit their ass on the couch and make them read Dr. Seuss with passion and fortitude until their eyes bleed…all so they can be prepared to land the anchor job and buy me a Rolls and a cabin at Lake Tahoe. Screw the school system, if you want to get ahead in the country either learn to hit a round ball made of dried cow skin with a long round log, shoot a ball into a metal ring or lift weights, go tanning and possess the brain capacity of a ferret while living on the “Jersey Shore”….otherwise prepare yourself for fine dining at Burger King, a car never newer than 4 years old and retirement in your 80’s. Wake up.