Weekly Wrap Up....My Favorite Topics

Woooo hooooo….Oprah is sending her audience to Australia, all expense paid trip!! Isnt that awesome, and Australia is paying a 3 million dollar portion of the bill…they feel it is going to boost tourism…well we do know bringing Oprah (who counts as 3 people on a meal plan, and 2 on a plane seats) and her audience of over -weight, crying house wives (who also each count as 2 on a plane) will definitely help the restaurant business over there…but for 3 million dollars….lets say each trip cost the country $6,000 total for 10 day stay…by my math they could have offered it to 500 total people who would eat less and not require dual seats on a plane that or bring the cast of biggest loser ….Let’s give Oprah a high five for having her make-up put on with a torch and reading a power point off a screen each day to millions of Women…wake up dipshits…she makes more than the entire nation by dressing up like shes going to prom, wearing spanks and sits on a couch reading a prompter…come on…at least make her stand up at a podium and wearing ankle waits to help get a good calorie burn in …..her generosity is the equivalent Steve Jobs giving the apple cult a free “bumper” for their jacked up iphone…thanks for the 30 cent apology for having a shitty antenna

Britney Spears has a sexual harassment suit filed against her from a former body guard who says that she sexually harassed him, had sex in front of him and was inappropriate…yea…ok….I will believe this only if her body guard was on Queer eye for the Straight guy, has his right ear pierced and has applied to be on the bachelorette as the bachelorette…its hard to believe that Britney would have a 6’1 body guard who weights 140 lbs and buys skinny jeans from Macys and who’s favorite brand of shoes is Jessica simpson….wake up Britney…if your going to hire a guy who complains about you doing the horizontal shimmy with another guy in front of them because they are jealous of you getting the guy…you might as well hire Rupaul…at least he (**She**) has big arms, is athletic and is 6’6

Lindsey Lohan finally got out of prison...…I am quite surprised that she did not claim red-headed rascism and hired the attorney from N.A.O.R.H.P (National Association of Red Headed People) to represent her and counter sue the justice system. We all know the only reason she went in there because she was a red head, has freckles and gets a sunburn when you turn on the kitchen light…if she looked like Angelina Jolie and had 15 kids from the sticks in Nigeria..you think she would go to prison? Come on, what did she really do? She drank cocktails, left her undies at home and got out of a car half popped with her dirty clam on display, if that is a crime..... then every girl between the ages of 18 and 41 who regularly attends a club playing music by Lady gaga and Frankie Goes to Hollywood should have a date with a Judge….Personally I feel bad for her….cant an bulimic, alcoholic with no underwear and an ankle bracelet just get dropped off after getting sloshed??

I watched Justin Bieber perform at the MTV movie awards and had two thoughts, if we shaved his head…would everyone stop and go…wait a second…what happened to his backwards hair cut…awe shit…this kid is like the other thousand who perform everyday at Valley fair…at least there I can ride a roller coaster and have a beer while I watch kids sing and dance for 7 bucks an hour…secondly…has he seen how New Kids on the Block, Vanilla Ice and Milli Vanilli all turned out? The average white person who thinks they can sing, dance and sport a shitty hair cut does not turn out too well…..I got a suggestion for him…when he hits 35, still tries to sing and is still trying to dance and sing to 16 year olds…he better be careful when winking at cute girl in the front row, he will end up wearing orange pajamas and spending the holidays with Grandpa Manson and the gift that keeps on giving in there is not one what you want….word to the wise

Another personal favorite, Scottie Pippen managed to piss 120 million down the drain as he is considered dead broke. My question is what the hell happens to the golf course he owns, all 10 cars, his jet, his yatchs…don’t they have a garage sale or auction for these things? You would think he could liquidate his assets and still have enough to get a nice double-wide and a mini van. Maybe Jordan will hire him to mow his lawn and drop off his dry cleaning. I think all of these dead beats who go through millions of dollars and end up with nothing should form a Business where parents can rent a former pro athlete for 7 bucks an hour to entertain at kid's birthday parties…I would pay a good 100 bucks just to see Pippen roll up in a 97 buick regal playing the bulls theme on his stereo and a license plate that says ‘6XCHAMP’….that or all of them could start cutting hair and make the company “Sports Clips” not just a clever name….

Tiger woods finalized his marriage…had to take out a 54 million dollar mortgage to help pay his court fees and apology money to his wife… …maybe if it would have been just 1 girl and not a bakers dozen…Elin might have cut your bill in half….its really a win win for her…she basically hit the lottery and is set for life and Tiger ends up with HPV and gets all his Buick’s taken away…54 million though…that’s not much money to him…but since he couldn’t win a tournament against kids from the school for the blind on a par 3 course, it could be a problem down the road. If I were him, I would do what the rest of the country did, take out the mortgage, then pack up my shit and hit the bricks…the bank can eat the 54 million and I am pretty sure Tiger doesn’t worry about his credit score. Im sure Wells Fargo wont mind picking up the tab, then again if he got his Mortgage from a “Family Owned” investment firm and the family name ends in a Vowel and their first names are Pauli, Tony and Salvatore..you may want make sure your payment is in the dumpster on the 1st of the month.

Kate Goslin...there are a couple un=answered questions about my favorite pissed off house wife with 8 kids and a kick ass hair cut ….1. Did she have a boob job or did she not? Well, if they were past her belly button before and now her chin is bruised and she cant see to tie her shoes, you tell me Stephen Hawking!?! 2. Did she look like drunk cow on skates when dancing with other stars or did she not? Well her frown did make her meaner than a dog shitting tacks and the only person with worse moves on the dance floor is Jared from Subway trying to River dance…..3. Does she frown because she has a cactus in her crotch? Well, technically….Jon Goslin…Asian…likes 200 dollar t shirts…doesn’t pay child support…I would say he is prickly bastard. I am confident there is not a man on the planet that you could pay to date her…….. Except one…Richard Simmons…he is tired of dancing to the oldies.

I cant leave out my favorite person in the world…Snookie from Jersey Shore…ever since landing the starring role in Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory as an orange, oompa-loompa…Snookie has enjoyed over whelming success as a 4’5, 205 lbs heartbreaker who enjoys looking for melanoma and genital warts. She likes going out for a night on the town wearing her favorite spanks and duct taping her belly button so that tasty part of her muffin top stays nicely tucked into her amazing outfit. Keep doing your thing girl….:)

Using lava from a Volcano to heat homes in Hawaii... is like drilling for oil in the ocean...may not work out to well

The latest breaking news….BP hopes a gigantic tube will help siphon the oil off of Gulf waters ….funny… Barry bonds told his girlfriend to siphon the HGH out of his blood stream via his “tube”...didn’t work for him either….both are about as realistic. Why are all of these people supposed to be so damn smart…yet when it comes to disaster recovery time they couldn’t save Shaquille O’neal drowning in 3 feet of water? I am sure there are pods of dolphins following the BP crews laughing and saying “Can you believe these dips shits??” Why do smart people get dumb when they are under pressure? I would love to be in the board meetings when these companies first come up with Ideas…..
”Ok…we are going to build and construct a giant rig that will pump oil from thousands of feet below the ocean…. …brilliant idea..…think of all the money we will make! But wait, what happens if the pipe breaks? What if all of our Oil started going into the Ocean…no biggie..oil floats..we can use dip nets to get it and if that doesn’t work.....Remember that giant bobber we called the top hat? We will float that around on the service of the water to appease the public and show them we are doing something, giving us enough time to clean out our bank accounts, form new identities and book first class tickets to Delaware…Wait a minute …Delaware??? Why not Mexico? Or another country….Because dipshit…they patrol the boarders going to Mexico and the international airports…you ever hear someone patrolling or looking for a person of interest in Delaware?.....Didn’t think so”
I believe if we continue at this pace, American’s (Not Humans in General, Just Americans) will fall below Dolphins and Chimps on the hierarchy of intelligent species. You have to admit we do pay nurses, cops and fire fighters about 40 to 50K a year, whom are here to save, care for and protect us…yet we pay Justin Bieber 40K an hour to sport a shitty hair cut and sing songs about going on a walk with your daughter. Anything wrong with this picture? I don’t know about you but I would rather put my money towards A-Rods car payment by buying his jersey and season tickets then pay a fire fighter to put out my flaming house, rescue my kids and save my dog….pretty much a no brainer to me. Has anyone ever calculated out what some of these people get paid? Take Lady Gaga, is she a good performer…yes…a good artist…yes….does she dress like boy George auditioning for a part as an Elf in Lord of the Rings…yes….does she deserve to make $416,666.00 a week? What does she do…she rents costumes from a Halloween boutique on a daily basis, sings songs that use the terms, “Telephone, Ga-Ga, Ooohh LaLa and Roma Roma” Maybe if teachers dressed up in Sequin Jumpsuits…entered the class room with fireworks, low lighting and fog machines and then sang the daily lesson to you using Auto Tune and T pain on the chorus…they may make more per hour??
Did you know Barack Obama took a paycut to become president? He made more selling books about political bullshit and personal opinion selling at Barnes and Noble than he does running the country. How about a news caster…let’s take Matt Lauer…he sits in front of a camera on a chair or couch…reads words off a screen while wearing a suit and tie and enough make up and hair plugs to be in Cirque du Soleil… he drinks coffee and makes millions? Does he really do something that is difficult??? Come on, he reads words off a screen…he is paid for having a decent “listening voice” and can ask “Hard Questions”…even though most dipshits he is questioning are in some kind of trouble or conflict in the public’s eye..so it’s not like he’s trying to solve a 32 color rubix cube here..and as for Al Roker…he gets paid millions of dollars to laugh and tell the umemployed and elderly (They are the only ones home at 9:00 AM) how warm it will be today. Yes, I know the media drives the world… I get it..I do not write these comments out of jealousy, I have no desire to live in New York or a in a city where it takes me 2 hours to go get Gas and you need to pay 1600 a month to rent a studio apartment that’s the size of my closet with a shitter, sink and place to hang your keys.
It’s just funny where the priorities in our Society have gone. We would rather pay Kevin Garnett enough money to buy Montana then give a teacher…who teaches your kid to read, do math and properly use the bathroom…enough money to barely buy a used Chevy Impala and a house with more than 3 bedrooms. I know when I have kids I’m going to buy a nice video camera, sit their ass on the couch and make them read Dr. Seuss with passion and fortitude until their eyes bleed…all so they can be prepared to land the anchor job and buy me a Rolls and a cabin at Lake Tahoe. Screw the school system, if you want to get ahead in the country either learn to hit a round ball made of dried cow skin with a long round log, shoot a ball into a metal ring or lift weights, go tanning and possess the brain capacity of a ferret while living on the “Jersey Shore”….otherwise prepare yourself for fine dining at Burger King, a car never newer than 4 years old and retirement in your 80’s. Wake up.

If our society was depicted by a Celebrity...we would be a Gay, Vegetarian Vern Troyer.

Is it just me or did our society turn into a bunch of whiney, lying, cheating pansies? I would like to know what the public’s reaction would have been if Tiger would have come out to his press conference and said this
“Hello, I am here to address all the questions and concerns because I know the American people want to know. Well, I cheated; I had sex with 9 women because I was horny, on the road and because I can. I don’t need rehab or any help just because I am a man who doesn’t go to the adult emporium, I live the adult emporium. The porn industry makes 9 billion dollars a year, I didn’t give them that much, so apparently everyone staring back me enjoys the industry just as much as I do, I just don’t have to watch it on a TV or buy an inflatable doll when I want to enjoy it. Anyone that has an issue with that can blog about it on some guys website and waste their time bitching when none of it will really matter. Now get off my property….see you at Augusta….go Panthers!
Would people’s jaws drop? Hell yes they would but not because of what he said, simply because Tiger is a true UNI fan! And that it would be the first time a celebrity with money and power, telling the truth, not reading off a prompter. The entire nation knows he is lying, so does he, so does his wife, so does his agent, so why do we even expect him to say anything at all. Even though we all know the truth, it will never come out like that that because his paycheck from nike has 7 zeros on the end of it and honesty to 30 million people he has never met is not worth 15 cars, 5 houses and access to Ron Jeremy’s black book. So we as a society continue to go on and listen, we will all forget and lucky for Tiger it will all go away and do you really think he cares, No, maybe he does about getting his wife back, but if I were her I would just go sleep with 9 other people (probably athletes and celebs) video tape them all and wrap the tape up for his next Christmas gift….ending the show with “Thanks for a great year hun……Suck it tiger”
And as for our society as a whole, when did we become so sentimental and weak when it comes to people, feelings and rights? Why is one of the biggest fears of our troops in Afghanistan the threat of facing the American media if they kill some bearded farmers who have ties to Camel jockeys who threaten our country daily? Our SEAL teams are more afraid of Katie Couric and Anderson Cooper than they are of a flock of sheep herders with automatic weapons and bad teeth? They are more concerned about rules of engagement and facing prison should they treat a terrorist poorly then they are about protecting themselves or our country. Do we expect them to invite the Al Quaeda over for a grill out and pool party at Embassy and hope that a little pool volleyball and smores will relieve the hatred for a country that has HDTV and meat besides goats? Why do we spend billions of dollars trying to house, feed and care for rapists and murders who hack boys in half and have sex with their dead bodies? Yes everyone has rights, but didn’t the boy who had his head cut off and his body decay in some 40 year old mans basement have rights? You know how threatening that man is after he stands in front of a brick wall and has a firing squad write “You suck” in his chest with automatic weapons? How threatening is a rapist if you give them the Loraina Bobit treatment and turn them into a human Ken Doll? Tough to rape a woman when you have a bald hump for a giggle stick isn’t it? How threatening is a murderer if you lop off both hands and feet? They sure can’t hold a knife or gun unless they have teeth like Mr. Ed and one hell of a strong neck!! And what happened to survival of the fittest?
If someone doesn’t serve a positive purpose in society, why are they here? Because we pay for them to have something to eat, a place to sleep and even offer an education…and all we request is that they wear orange pajamas and sleep in a large cage? What happens to the weak, not as fit, not as intelligent animals in the animal kingdom? What happens to a Seal who is a nut job, doesn’t work with the population or goes against what the rest of them do…he gets a lobotomy by a Great white shark as all the rest of them watch. At least he won’t reproduce more “brilliant” seals because his bloodline is currently coming out the exhaust pipe of the white shark. I guess until lions can learn to shoot guns and chimps can drive tanks we are stuck with the continued breeding of idiots, rapists and guys who wear lipstick, dresses, dissect road kill and think that boy scouts are cute. For now, I will settle on everyone just opening one eye…not even waking all the way up.