Weekly Wrap Up....My Favorite Topics

Woooo hooooo….Oprah is sending her audience to Australia, all expense paid trip!! Isnt that awesome, and Australia is paying a 3 million dollar portion of the bill…they feel it is going to boost tourism…well we do know bringing Oprah (who counts as 3 people on a meal plan, and 2 on a plane seats) and her audience of over -weight, crying house wives (who also each count as 2 on a plane) will definitely help the restaurant business over there…but for 3 million dollars….lets say each trip cost the country $6,000 total for 10 day stay…by my math they could have offered it to 500 total people who would eat less and not require dual seats on a plane that or bring the cast of biggest loser ….Let’s give Oprah a high five for having her make-up put on with a torch and reading a power point off a screen each day to millions of Women…wake up dipshits…she makes more than the entire nation by dressing up like shes going to prom, wearing spanks and sits on a couch reading a prompter…come on…at least make her stand up at a podium and wearing ankle waits to help get a good calorie burn in …..her generosity is the equivalent Steve Jobs giving the apple cult a free “bumper” for their jacked up iphone…thanks for the 30 cent apology for having a shitty antenna

Britney Spears has a sexual harassment suit filed against her from a former body guard who says that she sexually harassed him, had sex in front of him and was inappropriate…yea…ok….I will believe this only if her body guard was on Queer eye for the Straight guy, has his right ear pierced and has applied to be on the bachelorette as the bachelorette…its hard to believe that Britney would have a 6’1 body guard who weights 140 lbs and buys skinny jeans from Macys and who’s favorite brand of shoes is Jessica simpson….wake up Britney…if your going to hire a guy who complains about you doing the horizontal shimmy with another guy in front of them because they are jealous of you getting the guy…you might as well hire Rupaul…at least he (**She**) has big arms, is athletic and is 6’6

Lindsey Lohan finally got out of prison...…I am quite surprised that she did not claim red-headed rascism and hired the attorney from N.A.O.R.H.P (National Association of Red Headed People) to represent her and counter sue the justice system. We all know the only reason she went in there because she was a red head, has freckles and gets a sunburn when you turn on the kitchen light…if she looked like Angelina Jolie and had 15 kids from the sticks in Nigeria..you think she would go to prison? Come on, what did she really do? She drank cocktails, left her undies at home and got out of a car half popped with her dirty clam on display, if that is a crime..... then every girl between the ages of 18 and 41 who regularly attends a club playing music by Lady gaga and Frankie Goes to Hollywood should have a date with a Judge….Personally I feel bad for her….cant an bulimic, alcoholic with no underwear and an ankle bracelet just get dropped off after getting sloshed??

I watched Justin Bieber perform at the MTV movie awards and had two thoughts, if we shaved his head…would everyone stop and go…wait a second…what happened to his backwards hair cut…awe shit…this kid is like the other thousand who perform everyday at Valley fair…at least there I can ride a roller coaster and have a beer while I watch kids sing and dance for 7 bucks an hour…secondly…has he seen how New Kids on the Block, Vanilla Ice and Milli Vanilli all turned out? The average white person who thinks they can sing, dance and sport a shitty hair cut does not turn out too well…..I got a suggestion for him…when he hits 35, still tries to sing and is still trying to dance and sing to 16 year olds…he better be careful when winking at cute girl in the front row, he will end up wearing orange pajamas and spending the holidays with Grandpa Manson and the gift that keeps on giving in there is not one what you want….word to the wise

Another personal favorite, Scottie Pippen managed to piss 120 million down the drain as he is considered dead broke. My question is what the hell happens to the golf course he owns, all 10 cars, his jet, his yatchs…don’t they have a garage sale or auction for these things? You would think he could liquidate his assets and still have enough to get a nice double-wide and a mini van. Maybe Jordan will hire him to mow his lawn and drop off his dry cleaning. I think all of these dead beats who go through millions of dollars and end up with nothing should form a Business where parents can rent a former pro athlete for 7 bucks an hour to entertain at kid's birthday parties…I would pay a good 100 bucks just to see Pippen roll up in a 97 buick regal playing the bulls theme on his stereo and a license plate that says ‘6XCHAMP’….that or all of them could start cutting hair and make the company “Sports Clips” not just a clever name….

Tiger woods finalized his marriage…had to take out a 54 million dollar mortgage to help pay his court fees and apology money to his wife… …maybe if it would have been just 1 girl and not a bakers dozen…Elin might have cut your bill in half….its really a win win for her…she basically hit the lottery and is set for life and Tiger ends up with HPV and gets all his Buick’s taken away…54 million though…that’s not much money to him…but since he couldn’t win a tournament against kids from the school for the blind on a par 3 course, it could be a problem down the road. If I were him, I would do what the rest of the country did, take out the mortgage, then pack up my shit and hit the bricks…the bank can eat the 54 million and I am pretty sure Tiger doesn’t worry about his credit score. Im sure Wells Fargo wont mind picking up the tab, then again if he got his Mortgage from a “Family Owned” investment firm and the family name ends in a Vowel and their first names are Pauli, Tony and Salvatore..you may want make sure your payment is in the dumpster on the 1st of the month.

Kate Goslin...there are a couple un=answered questions about my favorite pissed off house wife with 8 kids and a kick ass hair cut ….1. Did she have a boob job or did she not? Well, if they were past her belly button before and now her chin is bruised and she cant see to tie her shoes, you tell me Stephen Hawking!?! 2. Did she look like drunk cow on skates when dancing with other stars or did she not? Well her frown did make her meaner than a dog shitting tacks and the only person with worse moves on the dance floor is Jared from Subway trying to River dance…..3. Does she frown because she has a cactus in her crotch? Well, technically….Jon Goslin…Asian…likes 200 dollar t shirts…doesn’t pay child support…I would say he is prickly bastard. I am confident there is not a man on the planet that you could pay to date her…….. Except one…Richard Simmons…he is tired of dancing to the oldies.

I cant leave out my favorite person in the world…Snookie from Jersey Shore…ever since landing the starring role in Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory as an orange, oompa-loompa…Snookie has enjoyed over whelming success as a 4’5, 205 lbs heartbreaker who enjoys looking for melanoma and genital warts. She likes going out for a night on the town wearing her favorite spanks and duct taping her belly button so that tasty part of her muffin top stays nicely tucked into her amazing outfit. Keep doing your thing girl….:)