Hilary Clint "Dang it, I should have wore glasses and lost 40 lbs".....shit

Out of a request to my buddy in Colorado, we need to discuss ole’ Sarah Palin. What do we know about Sarah? Well, she has a family, a daughter with a kid, she lives in Alaska, she hunts large animals, wears glasses, makes comments similar to George W. Bush, is asked to keep her mouth shut by her running mate and according to her “has a retarded baby”. It is a bit sad that the only reason she got nominated to be McCain’s running mate is because women like other women in power and men thinks she looks like a naughty librarian. It’s too bad for Hilary, if she didn’t have chipmunk cheeks and a bowl cut hairdo, she would have gotten more of the men’s votes. But Ahh shucks, Sarah’s just a down home country mom that flies in private jets and spends as much money on clothes as Lady Gaga…but I guess if you drop your kids off at an extra curricular activity a couple times..then you become a “mom”. Do we really want a female version of George W. Bush running the show? Did we not learn from his speech capabilities that people who use terms like “evil Doers or aww shucks” on a political stage will lose all credibility with everyone except Saturday Night Live?? I guess if we really wanted to save Saturday Night Live and lock in Tina Fey’s 401K for the next 4 years, we could vote her in. It would be the first time, since Clinton, that the president is invited to a foreign leaders home for a candle lit dinner with hot tub relaxation to follow. I am confident that the term Foreign Relations does not involve touching Kim on his Jong il while visiting North Korea. I can hear him now “Sara, how bout you touch my Nukier Wepon and we will then cease our Nukier Po-gam” I will give it to her, she is smart enough to know that if she writes a book and gets on Oprah then she does have half the world conquered right there….I am pretty sure that women who watch Oprah don’t vote, they simply hand over all power of citizenship to Oprah and she represents their voice on the ballet, her one vote is worth the equivalent of the Mountain West, South and Illinois with regards to Electoral Votes…I can hear Barrack running for a second term saying “Oh Shit, she’s got Oprah…my only hope now is to get the remaining media powers…quick call Lil Wayne, Lebron and Jon Gosslin, we need to lock this shit down.” I do foresee a new method of political marketing, I am sure there will be an iphone App that depicts sarah with Blue and Red Nipple stickers, holding a sign over her crotch that says “Touch her to Vote for Palin” .Wake up people.


Shout out to Whisker Biscuit

Oprah gives away cars and beats the "Man Vs Good guy in a chilli cheese fry showdown"

Oprah Winfrey….awwww yes…the legendary gift to all woman…the messiah…the one farts smell like a summers day on a shore front beach…she can make Tom Cruise jump on a couch or persuade the entire nation that beef is not what’s for dinner…even though we all know she isn’t built like Jerome Bettis because she’s eating tofu…lose the act Oprah…we all know you sit in the dressing room eating Slim Jims and Sonic all day. But my proposing question here is…what exactly does Oprah do? Well, she first of all gets her makeup applied with a semi-automatic paint gun and once that is finished, she walks 25 feet to a couch, sits down, reads from a screen and makes many people cry when she asks them questions. I think I just heard George W Bush yell “It’s because I am white and a guy right?”...Yes I know she also puts out a magazine, does charity and is the brilliant mind behind Deep fried candy bars. I understand she came up hard and went through hard times, quite frankly who doesn’t face some sort of challenge in life? I think my favorite is when she gives away cars to the audience, along with other lavish gifts like lotion, a hand made basket from Hobby Lobby and $300 gift card to Dollar Tree. In September of 2004, she gave away 276 cars. That is very nice of her, but that isn’t that close to the equivalent of Maury Povich handing out Glow sticks to his audience…and where is the love for him? That would be like me going to a kindergarten class and giving everyone a hot wheel, I can probably swing by Toys R us on my way and afford to put 20 bucks on a credit card. Has anyone ever heard of writing off charity on your taxes? Hmmmm…pretty sure you can or put it as a “business expense.” In 2008 she made 385 million dollars…that could potentially buy 1,428 people a new Cadillac Escalade while still having 285 million left over....so essentially she could afford to have all of MC Hammer's entourage drive their own car!! to buy plenty of Black Angus burgers and country croc butter. My point is, before the entire nation makes a statue next to Lincoln because she bought 300 people a ford focus, let’s just remember that the show bought those, wrote them off and Oprah only had to try and figure out why Stedman was always sneaking in the back with Gayle for a quickie. I agree that it is very nice to treat soldier’s families and people who have not had good breaks…it’s great…but when celebrities make enough money to personally front a Michael Bay movie, come on…they should be helping others. I must say all this talk about giving things to those in need has really got me excited about this coming Christmas Season and the Santa’s that ring the bell for the salvation army at the mall…since Oprah gives great gift baskets and things to her audience…I am going to give a gift basket to a couple bell ringers with the equivalent of what I can on my salary…I am sure they will love the Dixie cup filled Chicken Ramen. Wake up people.

I want Polish and Wax with Pine Tree Scent....noooooo...PINE TREE!!!!! Geeze...never mind!

What’s wrong with this picture, lets say you invite 30 people to your house for a party and in order to make everyone feel at home, you learn all the languages each member speaks so when they ask for a beer in their native language you don’t stand there awkwardly trying to figure out if they are quoting a pokemon episode or want more crackers…then they bitch at you because you gave them a Heineken and they don’t drink anything but “Budee Lit” (Boood—LIT: as heard by you, which translates to Bud Light), and they proceed to call you names behind your back…. their friends, who were not invited, show up and decide to stay and actually setup cots in your yard, call all of their family to come join them and all get jobs answering phones using the name “Luke Jorgensen”. They then force you to give them cold medicine when they are sick, use your car to drive to the hospital with no license and it comes back with no hub caps and is lower to the ground with a bunch of rust on the trim and drug paraphernalia in the seat. Since when is it the host of the parties duty to spend 4 months with Rosetta Stone on 6 languages only to be made fun of when they bow and greet the Wang family with “Como Esta”, use their hard earn money to pay for cold meds for some bozo who eats crickets and wears a Shriner Hat and then put these people up for free in your yard when they were not invited in the first place? Sound familiar? Welcome to the US. Why do we have to put subtitles everywhere? To make guests feel welcome, doesn’t the word “Guest” imply that they will at some point return their “home”? How much does it cost to put “Department of Transportation” in 7 languages? How about when we hand out Greencards (or are they Greeting Cards?? I am not sure) or as we are tying up their rafts made of Aunt LiLi’s bones, some boards and rope, we give them all a copy of the English Rosetta Stone and a netbook, we could even throw in the bonus disc “Ebonics: Using it and abusing it…Sucka Version”. That software can’t cost more than a couple bucks to manufacture and I am pretty sure that is cheaper than putting the word Gorilla in Spanish, Chinese, Vietnamese and Ooompa Loompa on the sign at the Zoo in Omaha. I am all for having variety, I love PF Changs, Olive Garden, Carlos OKelly’s and Hu Hot, so don’t play that card on me. And why when we go to other countries do we walk around holding a paper back book filled with terms in their language? As we are holding our crotch, gritting our teeth and feverishly looking up the word for “bathroom”, they are giggling, pointing at the seepage in our pants and stealing our wallet. So I say it’s about time that we can get our car washed, our yard worked on, get authentic margaritas or have our offices cleaned without having to use pictures and mouth the words slowly, only to get a bill and fortune cookie. Bottom line, if you want to come to the US to play the lottery and work at Walmart, you better learn the language. You have plenty of down time on those cold nights in the shrubs in the Arizona desert to begin learning the basics of the language. I know you will make the argument that only 15% of the US are citizens and speak English…I don’t care…we were here first and if you don’t learn the language, you will never truly appreciate what Toby Keith says in any of his songs. Wake up people

I kept my calorie intake to 10,000 but I still can't find my belly button

Out of a request to my esteemed Colorado adviser…there is a topic that needs to be addressed and it regards obesity. Now I understand that it’s genetic and it’s not your fault you just ate a gallon of ice cream, a package of Oreos and McDonalds for breakfast and drink Crisco, and I know it’s not your fault you can’t breath because you have a pony keg of fat crushing your lungs, but we need to work together here….and exercising is not bending over to tie your shoes or simply get off your back to get out of bed, even though I know it is a struggle…but we really need to do something here. Why is it that my good friend can’t go to a nice buffet for dinner and not be grossed out because he has to wear a loin cloth, paint his face like Braveheart and storm the crab Rangoon’s before they are wiped out by Herd of Elephant seals? And how these people reproduce boggles the mind. Either they have weaponry like a Clydesdale or they use hooks to hold up the excess and the entire family helps out to make the magic happen. Let me ask something, if it were a Genetic disorder, that would mean you would go about your typical day, eat a banana and oatmeal for breakfast, a turkey sandwich for lunch and a lean cuisine for dinner, but would still manage to put on 5 lbs. News flash, you eat those things and park your car farther away then the sidewalk and you will not gain weight…I guarantee it. So lets drop the DNA and Gene theory here, the only thing genetic going on with your weight is that they somehow managed to get trans fat out of Oreos without changing the taste. And as for bringing up weightloss programs, we could design one…lets call it “Don’t eat like an Elephant, Don’t look like one!” How many obese Native Americans have you ever seen in pictures when they lived on the grasslands? Probably none, because Big Mac’s don’t grow on trees and the only place you got hot fudge was from the muffler on a Buffalo and pretty sure they didn’t put that on their ice cream. If you can’t find it in nature, don’t eat it, it’s an extremely simple idea. Walk farther, drink water and shut up. And for my particular favorite people, the one’s who are proud to be big…I beg to differ. You are honestly proud to buy two seats on an airplane, require more material than a parachute to make your pants and spend your life wondering if your shoes are on the right feet? Please, spare me the proud attitude speech. How about we as a nation shut up, walk more, get outside and if you can’t fish it, kill it, grow it or harvest it in the wild…then consider it a “Genetic” transformation food and beware of the results. Wake the hell up.

In Memory Of Whisker Biscuit