I thought she was pregnant...turns out she just ate the whole turkey and has gas.

Roughly 50% of the nation is considered obese or suffering from “Phatassitis”, these are constantly the numbers we hear from “professional” (Janitorial staff working at office buildings and shopping malls) people across the nation. The kids are fat, the adults are fat, even Steven Siegal is fat…my god…I am sorry but if a 12th degree black belt gets fat and starts playing the guitar…screw global warming…we are going to die because no one will be able to physically rip the throats out of team Jacob followers!! So what is the cause? Is it those darn genetics again…that bastard Darwin was right…evolution is changing Human Beings all right…but into land based Orcas. News flash…when the Country Fair fried food of the year is Fried butter and fried candy bars…its doesn’t take Steven Hawking to calculate why people look like the Michelin Man. Seriously…can we just fast forward a couple years to the point where the new fad is to drink the fat that is coming out of a patient getting lipo suction? We are to the point now where you may visit the Omaha Zoo and next to the Gorilla Enclosure is the Johnson Family from Georgia…watch in astonishment as zoo keepers feed them their body weight in baked beans. I am at loss of what we can do to make ourselves more gross and disgusting. “It has been confirmed that obesity is indeed genetic and studies have shown people are more likely to be overweight if they have this chromosome count…blah blah blah”….yea…and Octomom just got a scholarship to Harvard. What the heck is wrong with our country? Are we a couple years away from M.J.B.N. syndrome becoming a genetic disorder (Michael Jackson Bird Nose)? We have shrinks, psychologists, Doctors, therapists and Maury Povich all coming up with new syndromes, disorders and other crap everyday…there is a syndrome for having the desire to have sex with sheep…cant it just be the fact that the bastard is missing part of his brain and something about hooves makes him hot? Money drives it all…am I right? We have these people who talk to other people because no would want to listen unless they get paid 100 bucks an hour to listen to why you knocked up 8 teenagers in your neighborhood and now your wife left you for the paperboy…does that person who is getting the help ever stop and think…hmmm…I wonder if my male therapist goes home..puts on high heels and lipstick and dances around to Starship all night? News flash..we are all human..we all do weird crap…we all have issues…we all pooop and yes.. it all stinks like shit. So back to fat and genetics….was it an issue 50 years ago…NO…did we have fried candy bars 50 years ago..NO…did we have the 2 lbs thick burger at hardees 50 years ago…NO. …Fat people are not fat because of genetics…fat people are fat because they eat more calories than an African elephant with a tape worm…Im tired of “medical” people making excuses for why we as a nation look like a heard of super Rosie O’donnels…you want to see your toes and buy one seat on a airplane…put less food in the trough and move faster than a sun dial…wake up..shut up.

Would you take driving lessons from Helen Keller...I think not.

I have one big question here…why do people take fitness classes from instructors and train with trainers who are not in shape themselves??? When you sign up for a class or training session, shouldn’t the “expert” be someone who you want to mimic or at least stride to be? From many that I have seen in gyms the only thing you need to be them is a punch card to Bonanza and a gallon jug of Egg Nog. How can people call themselves fitness experts or have the nuts to teach a class when they are 2 Black Angus burgers and a latte away from being a constant on the biggest loser? Would you take modeling advice from Susan Boyle? It is absolutely ridiculous…how do people expect to get in good shape and feel good when the person that is showing them how can’t do half the shit they are telling you to do? When someone shows you how to do a tricep exercise and then asks you to “push yourself and do 5 more” after you start to struggle…don’t you think…hmmm..this is coming from someone whose tricep looks like silly putty hanging from clothes hanger. I do not expect every trainer to be Jillian Michaels…oh wait….yea…actually I do. Guess what, if you buy Under Armour shirts and spandex pants and your middle looks like two push up Popsicles being smashed together and filling oozing out…don’t try teaching others to have wash board abs. And that bullshit that Richard Simmons promotes…sweating to the oldies…do you really think it was the main reason he lost 2 and ½ men? Hell no…just because you dance around to Kenny Loggins doesn’t mean all of sudden you look like Mario Lopez…its called he stopped eating enough food to save a small village in Africa and actually started moving around. Good lord people…we don’t buy winter clothes from a nudist, we don’t get dental hygiene from Mike Tyson and we don’t get phonics lessons from Ozzie Ozborn. Next time when you go to the gym or any place where people move at a faster pace than a sloth and who are taking instruction from a person whose gravity pull seems to be getting the best of them…say to them…did Ray Charles sign you up for this class? He must have, because if you want to look like that…then wouldn't it be easier to follow that trainer home tonight and eat dinner with them…it will be easier on your joints and you won’t need a shower when your done. Wake the hell up.

So did you really sit on a bench with a box of chocolates?? No..it was a stool and the box was fake.

Actors…don’t get me wrong I love watching good shows and movies…but can we look at what they really do? In all reality they stand in front of a camera while covered in layers of Revlon and Maybalene, practice for hours at a time, are told what to say, when to say it and how to say it and then say it. Whoa…they are amazing!! We don’t see the umpire come out and tell Andy Petitite when to throw the pitch, where to throw it and then show Barry Bonds where it is going and when to swing…then we all pay $9.50 and celebrate when he hits a homerun…wow…talent! And what are they really doing? Lying…they are professional lyers…they can’t fly, they don’t have cars that turn into robots and Leo DiCaprio is really 45 years old, lives with his mom and dates Susan Boyle…disappointing I know. I think most people would be disappointed to meet actors/actresses in real life..I know I would be. I know that if Robert Downey Jr. didn’t fly up in a metal suit, crush a car and have a glowing hocky puck stuck in his chest…I would think “Sheesh, he’s just another guy that forgot to shave and comb his hair”. That’s what actors basically do, they lie..plain and simple. They really don’t love Renee Zellweger, she doesn’t really “Complete me” because Katie Holmes is standing 20 feet away…and if she did complete Tom Cruise..the world would be “Suri-less”....And now with all of the CGI and computer technology…we can make Ewin McGregor fight Haden Christensen on a planet in space that is made of Lava and volcanoes….when in reality they are in a warehouse wearing bath robes, standing in front of a screen swinging brooms at one another while a guy with taped glasses is using Microsoft paint to give them both beards .… Dang it…it’s so disappointing when we really stop and think what’s going on. Dr’s and Nurses save peoples lives and makes small fractions compared to what John Stamos does on ER and the only lives he has saved are those who weren’t forced to watch him on anything but Full House….and again…great hair? Nope…a CGI wig…John Stamos is really a red head. Unreal isn’t it??? We are built on a society of lies and the people we pay the most are those who are the best at it….you think Brad and Angelina really have 8 kids…think again…I have two words for you “Jim Henson”…yes…they are animatronics…puppets made to look like kids from other countries. I mean it’s to the point where I don’t know if David Beckham is real or just Carrot top dressed up to be a hot soccer player from Europe with a wife made from the same substance as Kristinna Loken in Terminator 3…Im waiting for her to shoot sparks out her mouth and turn her arm into a Desert Eagle and start shooting. I really do not know what to believe anymore…how do we know what is real and what is not? You do realize that some of these people were the kids who ate glue in Elementary school..some of them are the ones who walked around all day with their flys down looking lost and some of them are the ones who had Kleenexes in their bra’s and showered with a swimsuit like the one Michael Phelps wears because their crotch looks like Joaquin Phoenix’s beard. All I do know is that if we gathered all the celebrities into one big room, with no make up and nothing but who they really are..it would be like going to Sunday brunch at the elks club with your grandparents. When they poop it stinks, they have back hair and just because they have a bunch of paper sitting in a room at a bank doesn’t mean they have farts that don’t make a noise and smell like carrots and throw up. Wake up everyone.

Snuggie Signs Tiger to new deal.....

Well Well Well….old Mr. Woods got caught with his hand in the cookie jar! It seems he has been off playing Crouching Tiger, Hide my Dragon with some hotties that greet people and show them a laminated piece of cardboard with food listed on it…hmmm…I wonder ? Does it honestly surprise everyone when something like this comes out? Take a guy who has all the money he wants, can travel anywhere at anytime and is actually shopping for the models, not the undies, in the Victoria secret catalog. Do you think there is a reason Leonardo Dicaprio isn’t married, he knows that he could settle down and have a family, but next’s years Victoria secret holiday show is right around the corner and its just too hard to turn down another 23 year old who only eats once a week and doesn’t know a lick of English…fish in a barrel my friend, fish in a barrel. So Tiger is just another guy who makes lots of money and whose blood flow is stronger to one head then the other. Yes he has a super model at home with two kids...but a slut working as hostess is much more desirable! I wonder if he ordered HPV with a side of crabs that night?? So what should Tiger learn from this scenario? Well first, if you keep your driver in your pants you won’t have slashes on your face and an Escalade that looks like a lawn ornament. Secondly, if you are going to have affairs make sure you do it with people in Afghanistan where the TV wont be invented for another 20 years and the women can only make clicks and beeps, but once you are caught…do what Michael Jackson did, run to a foreign country and dress like a bee keeper…no one will know it is you and the only thing they will care about is number of cows you have. Its either that or just face up to the music, it may not be so bad having your sponsors for next years tour be Taco Johns and Snuggie …I personally think that all the potato ole’s you can eat and a blanket with sleeves is a step up from free razors and shoes made by kids making .50 cents an hour. Wake up Tiger.